Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
My brain has too many tabs open.
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.