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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...