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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
The irony of social media is that the majority of users are all alone.
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop