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Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off