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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches