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Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
like this if you are against animal cruelty
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before