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For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.