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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.