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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read.
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?