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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
This is supposed to be funny but I got nothing but do me a favour and like this...Yeah, okay, IM DESPERATE -.-