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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?