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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
We`re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap...
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.