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It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
My new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
I`m not insulting you, I`m describing you.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.