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Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them