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Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
If there is one-thing in this would i don`t like being thought is ... a lesson.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.