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So, I guess we’re just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
POLITICS; from `poly` meaning `many and `Tics` meaning blood-sucking creatures. Just sayin`
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.