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I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"