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If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?