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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I`m confused about how many at night?
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.