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Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don`t like people.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
Do me a favor if someone tells you they don`t like me , tell them I don`t like them either.
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.