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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
To all my Facebook friends. Have a happy St. Patrick`s day, and all the festivities this weekend. Stay safe, enjoy life, and if you by chance happen to find a bartender who is bad at math...give me a call :)
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.
Won’t go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for “spider life span” reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.