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Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
It´s never to late to be happy
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.