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I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
I think the next Star Wars movie should go Country! I would be excited to see Garth Vader.........
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...