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My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
Gun Control: Use both hands
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.