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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
No great story started with someone drinking water.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.