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They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
Iām a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.