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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I`m done with tucking in shirts. Too many people complaining I`m invading their "personal space." LOL
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.