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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
My pants are 75% off.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.