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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.