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I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
It was all so different before everything changed.
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.