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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
I do what I want, when I want, where I want. If my wife says it`s okay.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”