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I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.