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The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
My internet addiction is getting alt of ctl.
According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
Sometimes it`s easy to forget we would all violently murder each other if we couldn`t obtain basic food or water. Have a great day guys.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.