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Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
Bitch, you`re just like monday, nobody likes you -_-
LOQ "Laugh Out Quietly" because LOL is giving me a headache
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...