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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
I wish common sense was more common.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
Gym update: not there
I wonder if they let me grow cannabis on Farmville, I`ll be able to sell it on Mafia Wars?
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.