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I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.