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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?