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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So incase you were wondering. ...41, guys,...that`s the limit.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.