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Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.