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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
Breaking News: I took a bath today
is accepting applications. Needed someone to keep me from doing dumb stuff. See previous post.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I do my best proofreading after I hit `send`.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...