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"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?