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That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!