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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.