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Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.