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!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.