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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.......
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.
Technically, every picture is a before picture.