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Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
Karma takes too long ..... I`d rather beat the sh%t out of you.
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
Today`s subliminal thought is: …