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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again: it before
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.