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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
is ready to have one too many!