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How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
Is it wrong to use cheat codes for Wii Fit.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.