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Have you ever seen the look on a mans face when he is truly sorry? Yeah, me either!
my wish for tonight is for the person reading this status to have a Good Night!
You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.