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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Jimmy is short for James? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. Do they even know what short means?
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!