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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.