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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
That awkward moment when you type your password where you should`ve typed your email, and your friend`s standing right there -___-
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)