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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.