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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...