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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Finally in bed. No better time to start thinking about every possible thing that has or ever could happen.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.