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Decisions decisions ... Guess I`ll drink on it.
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
Does "who cares" count as advice?
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.