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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.