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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
u cant spell awesome without me
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"