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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
Some people should come with subtitles.