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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
Don`t EVER break a pinky promise. That sh!t is LEGIT.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
You can not force anyone to love you ... The best you can do is stalk them and hope they give in :)