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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
According to Facebook, some people I don`t remember are grilling this weekend.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.