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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Do bees even have knees?
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store