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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
The word bed looks like a bed.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
You`re only young once but you can be immature forever!
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.