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To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
I’m bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.