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I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store