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Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you