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The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have a little fun. Jill, the dill, Forgot her pill, And now they have a son.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.